8615 Ridgely’s Choice Drive
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Tel: (410) 529-
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Suite 212
Baltimore, MD 21236
Tel: (410) 529-
Fax: (410) 529-
WebMaster: Edward Lehwald
The Forgiveness Process
By Martha Miller L.C.S.W.-C
Forgiveness is a process. This process is a challenging task since every person and situation is unique. There is no one size fits all formula. Since it is to be freely given, it shouldn't be rushed or forced on us. We need to proceed with forgiveness because we want to, not because we are told it is the right thing to do.
I turned to two authors for help in writing this article - Gloria Chisholm, author of Forgive One Another and Dan Allender, author of Bold Love. At the risk of over-simplifying and leaving out important p oints, I'll share some of the insights they offer in their books. Forgiveness is not a one-time event. It is a healing journey. It is hard work! Grievin g the pain, the losses and whatever else may be involved will not be easy. The deeper the harm, the deeper the forgiveness will need to go.
I turned to two authors for help in writing this article -
There are several internal decisions we need to make in the process of forgiveness. We can choose to empower ourselves through the overall decision to love our world and adopt a forgiving lifestyle. We start by deciding to let go of blaming, being a martyr, wanting to punish, being the victim or any other patterns that keep us stuck in bitterness. We may ask the question "What does it mean to give this person a taste of God's character in both strength and mercy?" Those with a relationship with God can go to Him asking for discernment, courage, strength, desire for a compassionate heart. A painful step will be to admit the hatred, bitterness, and whatever negative feelings we have toward the offender. To be able to forgive others, we may need to examine what we need to forgive in ourselves and our past. This will take humility. It may be difficult to forgive behaviors and attitudes in others that we dislike in ourselves and; therefore, don't want to face. If we feel stuck in the process, there are several good questions we can ask ourselves "Is there anything I am getting out of holding on to my pain?" What would I be doing, how would my life have to change if I forgave?
Some offenders may never figure out what they did and admit it. So how do we forgive when there is no repentance? Gloria Chisholm would say that the challenge then becomes "How can I perceive the person and the situation in a different light in order to have compassion? Can I offer the gift of forgiveness, in a much larger sense, not to just this person, but for the purpose of following God and loving my world?
Dan Allender says that there are three internal realities that are part of the path toward joy (the end result of forgiveness) 1) enjoyment in being tender 2) deepened capacity to respond to others from the soul 3) freedom to make difficult and unpopular choices. We know that we are making progress in this healing journey of forgiveness when we can see the other person with eyes of compassion. This can mean being able to see how they are suffering (whether they are aware of it or not). (Next Page)