8615 Ridgely’s Choice Drive
Suite 212
Baltimore, MD 21236
Tel: (410) 529-
Fax: (410) 529-
Suite 212
Baltimore, MD 21236
Tel: (410) 529-
Fax: (410) 529-
WebMaster: Edward Lehwald
To Forgive or Not To Forgive
By Ann Lehwald, L.C.S.W.-C
When we are wronged or betrayed it’s usual that feelings such as anger, guilt, resentment, or shame may arise. Sometimes there may be a desire for revenge or someone might react to the offense and then simply move on holding a grudge. Hanging onto a grudge and other painful feelings; however, is like keeping a dinosaur in our home. It’s a painful creature from the dead past which serves no purpose, but we choose to keep alive in the present. Holding on to these old negative feelings requires much energy and usually keeps someone stuck emotionally and spiritually and at times can affect one’s physical well-being. It is within our power to choose otherwise. We can choose to forgive.
When we forgive all desire for revenge and personal ill will toward those who have wronged us is eliminated. We let go of the negative thoughts of bitterness and resentment. Usually forgiveness brings an inner peace of heart and the freedom of not having our lives defined by the hurt /injury we have suffered.
Often people have the misconception that to forgive is letting someone “off the hook”. However, forgiveness does not necessarily involve exempting the injurer from the demands of justice or restoring him/ her to their pre-injury p osition or status. People are responsible for their behavior; forgiveness does not mean a lack of accountability.
Forgive, but do not always forget. It is important to learn from our injuries and protect others and ourselves from being injured in the same way. For instance, to again put ourselves in a position of being physically harmed by someone who has harmed us in the past is not forgiveness, but is certainly irresponsible and potentially dangerous.
Forgiving does not include pretending an injury didn’t happen or that it doesn’t matter. This trivializes forgiveness. Forgiveness is reserved for acts which we view as unacceptable.
Although we often hope that forgiveness would lead to reconciliation, this is not always the case. In forgiving, the forgiver opens up the possibility of reconciliation with the injurer. Reconciliation; however, takes two people- forgiver an d injurer. For true reconciliation the injurer must accept responsibility for the injury and also desire reconciliation. Forgiveness is a legitimate and complete act for an individual even it does not lead to reconciliation. Reconciliation can only be reached through the mutual commitment and cooperation of both victim and injurer. Repentance or an apology is not necessary for forgiveness.
Although we often hope that forgiveness would lead to reconciliation, this is not always the case. In forgiving, the forgiver opens up the possibility of reconciliation with the injurer. Reconciliation; however, takes two people-
So if forgiveness does not necessarily lead to reconciliation, why would we forgive? We forgive because it is necessarily spiritually, emotionally, and at times physically. If we accept God as loving and forgiving, it follows that we would accept the connection between God’s forgiveness of us and our forgiveness of others. Research done by Everett Worthington, a psychologist and executive director of “A Campaign for Forgiveness Research" in Richmond, Virginia has found that the act of for giving has direct and indirect effects on the body and the mind. When we replace feelings of unforgiveness with more positive emotions, hostility and negative stress are reduced. This reduction in stress not only makes us less prone to depression and anxiety, but it contributes to better physical health. Chronic stress has been found to weaken the immune system and exacerbate many physical ailments, so forgiving may give a boost to your immune system.
In summary, we may forgive because we hope for reconciliation. But mostly, we forgive for our own inner peace and healing.