“Putting Family First”
by Martha Miller, L.C.S.W. - C
Childhood is supposed to be a carefree happy time, right? At RCC; however, we are seeing an increasing number of children and teenagers who are feeling weary, pressured and stressed.
Much has been said about the dizzying pace of family life. A national time- diary survey conducted by the University of Michigan’s Survey Research Center in 1981 and 1997 reported that during those 16 years, children lost 12 hours per week in free time, including a 25% drop in playtime and a 50% drop in unstructured outdoor activities. In the same time period, homework time increased by 50% and time in structured sports doubled and passive spectator activity (i.e. watching a sibling play or perform) increased from 1/2 to 3 hours.
Kids are telling anyone who will ask them that they wish that there parents spent more time with them. Amazingly, given what we assume about teenagers’ desire to spend little time with parents, a national YMCA poll of teenagers taken in 2000 found that more than 20% of teens rated “not having enough time with their parents as their top concern. In a survey done by Ron Taffel who has written extensively about hurried children, among preschool through 6th grade, nearly every child he interviewed expressed a wish that their parents spend more time with them.
There may be various culprits for this – certainly there has been enough written about the realities of two working parents and single-parent families. But one culprit that parents do have easier control over is the over-scheduling of their children. Many parents say they are also overwhelmed and worn out by all the activities to which they chauffeur their children. Many parents accept this as the norm for any conscientious and responsible parent who wants their children to enjoy all the wonderful opportunities available. In fact, there can be subtle bragging about how busy everyone in the family is and how organized the schedule is. The peer pressure on parents and kids to sacrifice family dinnertime and unstructured family down time for soccer, dance, music lessons, etc. is very high. The competitiveness and hyper-achievement seen in the workplace has come into the family. The “balanced life”can seem to be un-American.
But a new mood seems to be taking root in communities across the country. Parents who want to get off the treadmill of the over scheduled life are beginning to rebel against the prevailing current. They are seeking to regain balance. This can be easier to do when families find other families who support the same goal. A grassroots organization called Putting Family First (www.puttingfamilyfirst.info) has produced a Family Consumer Guide to Kids’ Activities.
So what can we all do? Start by looking at the quality of family life in our homes – are parents and kids feeling connected to each other? Does dinnertime feel like a relaxed time to have conversation about the day? Are there family projects like crafts, outdoor recreation, visits to museums, family discussion time happening regularly? Where do spiritual things fit in?
My father used to say regularly, "Good is the enemy of the Best”. That saying can foster perfectionism if taken to an extreme, but in this context, all the activities that the community has to offer for children may be Good, but if we think it to be the Best to have families where the predominant mood is one of balance, contentment, calm, and all those other nouns we long for, then parents may need to be ruthless in weeding out activities, even the good ones that are an obstacle to that.
